Why Self-Compassion is More Than Just Being Nice to Yourself

Learn how to respond to your inner critic. With self-compassion, you can enhance emotional resilience, boost mental health, and promote personal growth.  

An innate part of being human is the desire to be “better.” Maybe you’d like to be smarter, more successful, or more attractive. While there’s nothing wrong with striving for something, problems arise when you are constantly hard on yourself. It turns out that being self-critical might actually be what stands in the way of your self-improvement.

So, what’s a healthy, more empowering way to help yourself? The answer is simple: self-compassion. 

What is self-compassion? 

When you think about self-compassion, you likely think about being kind to yourself, showing yourself the same care that you show others. And that’s certainly part of it. But it’s also about accepting your imperfections and being less self-critical. It’s about understanding that you are not alone in your suffering or failure—it’s a normal part of life. And when you see your failure as part of a larger human experience, you’ll likely feel more connected to others.

Self-compassion is also about being more mindful. This means trying to identify less with the emotional reactions that arise when you make mistakes. For example, say you missed a meeting. You feel disappointed in yourself. Simply acknowledge the feeling: “I feel disappointed.” And leave it at that. Don’t add thoughts like, “You’re such a disappointment. You can’t do anything right. You are such a screw-up.” You don’t need to be kicked when you’re already feeling down.

This does not mean suppressing or ignoring your feelings. Instead, it means validating how you feel but not allowing your negative feelings to take over.

Let’s take a closer look at how self-compassion works to help us understand why it's so important for our overall well-being. 

The science behind self-compassion.

Research shows that self-compassion can activate the relaxation response of your parasympathetic nervous system . It does so by promoting present-moment awareness. This can stimulate the vagus nerve, which increases your sense of safety and helps you feel calm. On the other hand, when you’re being self-critical, you activate your sympathetic nervous system . Your stress hormones are likely to elevate because you’re feeling tense and anxious.

Besides leading to a decrease in stress, self-compassion has other proven benefits for mental health. It leads to:

• Less anxiety and depression

• More peace of mind

• Increased productivity

• Greater overall well-being 

It’s clear that self-compassion is a healthy way to respond to difficult situations. But if you need more convincing beyond the mental health benefits, consider this big perk: how it can help you grow when you face failure. 

Growth with self-compassion vs. self-criticism.

One of the biggest differences between self-criticism and self-compassion is how you respond in the face of failure.

Self-criticism makes you less resilient.  

If you view failure as defeat, it gets in the way of learning or growing from your mistakes. This mindset is self-defeating and unproductive. It can also harm your self-worth, making you feel more insecure, anxious, and self-critical—all of which can make you feel even worse.

Self-compassion leads to greater resilience.  

If you view failure as a learning opportunity, it creates a chance to grow from setbacks—and with greater enthusiasm, too. It also helps you stay calm and productive. This all helps you bounce back from failure, rejection, and criticism.

Another notable difference between self-criticism and self-compassion?

Self-criticism can make you feel isolated from others.

You might tend to think that everyone else is just fine and you are the one big failure. Or maybe you view others as competition or obstacles to overcome. This point of view separates you from others, making you feel more lonely and isolated.

Self-compassion helps you feel connected to others.  

Self-compassion helps you remember our shared humanity. It’s not about dismissing your experience as something everyone goes through. It’s more of a comforting reminder that we all make mistakes. We all fail. We all experience suffering. No matter what this looks like for you, reminding yourself that your experience is a shared one can help you feel less alone.

You might be someone whose default response is to be self-critical. Fortunately, self-compassion is something you can develop. So, what exactly can you do to make self-compassion a habit that sticks?

Practical ways to develop self-compassion.

Here are simple practices you can try to help build self-compassion.

1. Self-compassion journaling

Journaling is a great way to practice mindfulness and express your emotions. Try writing a journal entry reflecting on your week. Did anything happen that made you feel bad? Anything that made you judge yourself? Once you write down the experience, reflect on how it made you feel. Were you embarrassed? Stressed? Ashamed?

When you reflect on your situation in this way, you give yourself the same grace you would offer a friend. That’s because you’re looking at it in a nonjudgmental way. By acknowledging it, you’re not suppressing it. By not exaggerating it, you’re not making yourself feel worse about it. This mindful approach helps you move on from any negative thoughts and feelings that may still linger.

2. Self-compassion mantra

If writing isn’t your thing, you can try using self-talk—either out loud or in your head—as a self-compassion exercise.

Think of some self-compassion mantras you can use in moments when you might feel tempted to be self-critical. Instead of saying, “You can’t do anything right,” try to reframe the way you talk to yourself. Again, there’s no need to judge yourself—for the situation or for having negative thoughts. Just reframe it. You might say, “You made a mistake. You’re human. You’ll learn from this. You can go to bed earlier. You can avoid procrastinating. You can set yourself up better to succeed next time.”

The key is to practice both being patient and showing kindness to yourself.

3. Supportive touch 

When you feel yourself getting worked up or upset, you can be kind to yourself and offer comfort through physical touch. This releases oxytocin, which can help soothe your emotions and calm cardiovascular stress.

So, whenever you’re in a situation where you find yourself being self-critical, try soothing yourself with your touch, instead. Take a couple of deep breaths. Gently stroke your arms. Use your hands to cradle your face. Rub your chest using a gentle circular motion. Simply find what works for you to calm yourself down.

Looking for more self-compassion exercises? Try a self-compassion break or a guided meditation .

The next time you catch yourself being self-critical, pause. Take a moment to acknowledge that mistakes are a normal part of being human. When you stop and question your thoughts, you can prevent the negative ones from holding power over you. But if negative thoughts persist, it may be time to seek professional mental health support. Don’t hesitate to ask your doctor for a referral or explore local mental health resources for guidance tailored to your needs.

Make it a habit to practice self-compassion: try a self-compassion mantra, write yourself a letter, or take a moment to meditate. And, above all, gently remind yourself that you deserve the same kindness you’d offer a friend.

Thanks for reading this article!

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References

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Harvard University, Stress & Development Lab. (n.d.). Self-compassion. https://sdlab.fas.harvard.edu/self-compassion

Keer, L. (2024, October 16). The vagus nerve: A key player in your health and well-being. Massachusetts General Hospital. https://www.massgeneral.org/news/article/vagus-nerve

Neff, K. (2011, May 27). Why self-compassion trumps self-esteem. Greater Good Magazine. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/try_selfcompassion

Neff, K. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193–218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047

Neff, K. (n.d.). Exercise 4: Supportive touch. Self-Compassion Institute. https://self-compassion.org/exercises/exercise-4-supportive-touch/

Neff, K. (n.d.). Exercise 5: Changing your critical self-talk. Self-Compassion Institute. https://self-compassion.org/exercises/exercise-5-changing-your-critical-self-talk/

Neff, K. (n.d.). Self-compassion practices. Self-Compassion Institute. https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/#guided-practices

Neff, K. (n.d.). What is self-compassion? Self-Compassion Institute. https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/#the-elements-of-self-compassion

Nunes-Harwitt, M. (2021, May). The science of self-soothing. University of Rochester Medical Center, Behavioral Health Partners Blog. https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/may-2021/the-science-of-self-soothing

Seppälä, E. (2014, May 8). The scientific benefits of self-compassion. Stanford University, Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education. https://ccare.stanford.edu/uncategorized/the-scientific-benefits-of-self-compassion/

This article was written by Stephanie Ruiz, edited by Keleigh Somes, and clinically reviewed by Elizabeth Thompson, MPH, RDN, on December 22, 2025.